U.S President Dylan Daniel has threatened to bring on a state of ‘national emergency’ following a disagreement with the Senate on whether The Pentagon should use WiFi enabled calculators stating ‘well what if they get hacked huh? if they get hacked its gonna be bad - they could be a bunch of bad people its unacceptable.’

In other news significant scientific breakthroughs have been made after Chinese State Media reported it had indeed found a bottle of Tipp-Ex on the dark side of the moon stating that it proves there is life on the barren surface.

A spokesperson for Elon Musk has said that he will not be able to secure funding on the research for the perfect meme due to the current government shutdown. Since July SpaceX and Tesla projects were suspended after Elon Musk announced he would focus his energy on the creation and review of memes following the purchase of the website 4chan.

French foreign minister has come under fire after reports emerged that he had set fire to the french parliament to claim the insurance money, today at a press conference he denied the claims saying ‘non j’étais à la maison’. Police are further investigating CCTV footage recovered.

The UK’s leader of the opposition Jeremy Clarkson has admitted to calling prime minister Treason May ‘a god-awful bloody old sod’ in response to her plan to further delay a new law which requires all students to declare their earnings before applying for a bus pass, the remark which made it to the front pages of tabloid newspaper ‘The Jezza’ was heard live after Jeremy failed to switch off his microphone.

and now for the weather with Tomasz Schafernaker.

After some sunny spells yesterday but an all round cold windy day tomorrow will start with some light showers and remain cloudy throughout the afternoon.